Imagine standing on stage in front of a crowd of people, you open your mouth to speak, but no words come out. Everyone is looking at you, waiting for you to say something... but you can't seem to make a sound. Your palms are getting sweaty, your heart starts racing and you feel trapped.
This is how some people with social anxiety and Selective Mutism experience interacting with other individuals on a daily basis.
Selective Mutism or SM is an anxiety disorder that affects both children and adults. The root cause of selective Mutism is anxiety that inhibits the individual, that normally has no problem speaking, to become mute in certain situations or when being around certain people.
I have had SM since I can remember and 25 years later, I still have not over come it. Some children ''grow out of it'', but, I wasn't one of them.
In this post I want to give you all an overview of my life story and what I have planned for the future.
I hope those of you that are also struggling with the same things I have can relate to this post and that you can find some peace in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope for the future.
Diagnosed
I was diagnosed with SM when I was around 3 or 4 years old, to some extent I think that the label that was given to me that day made it harder for me to get over my SM. It has become a part of my identity. Every time someone talked about me having SM, they affirmed that I had an issue and it ingrained itself into my mind and into the mind of everyone that knew me. They expected me not to speak, and so... I didn't.
Treatments
From a young age I was sent to psychologist. I hated it and it made my anxiety even worse. I didn't like the feeling of being pressured to speak. I remember crying because the psychologist didn't want me leave her office until I had said goodbye to her. She held my arms so I couldn't get away. That was the last time I went to her.
I also went to a hypnotherapist. Thinking back now, it was probably the best form of therapy I went to, but I wasn't ready for it. I went to hypnotists too, but they expected me to be miraculously healed in 3 sessions. I did learn a lot about meditation and affirmations from them though, but because there was this mood of hocus-pocus magic surrounding them it was hard to take them seriously.The man also though that I was just being a brat and he never said hello to me or acknowledged me if I looked at him and smiled.
I've had my brain scanned, I've had brain tests done, I have done brain wave EEG therapy and nothing seemed to work.
The only time I saw any improvement on myself was with positive self talk, affirmations and meditation.
Using art as expression
From an early age I found art as an escape route. I could express myself without needing to use words. I could get lost in the worlds I created for myself. I could do it by myself when I didn't have anyone to play with. Later it helped me find my purpose, it built up my self esteem and I felt worthy of something. I knew I had a chance to become something...
Starting School
When I started school my anxiety levels sky rocketed. I was very close to my mother, never leaving her side, so when I had to go to school by myself, I was filled with terror. I was not used to being around other children or being amongst strangers.
Preschool was my introduction to how mean children can be. Kids called me names, teased me and no one wanted to be my friend. I was always alone, playing by myself. I sometimes felt like I was just drifting around in space, like I was looking at the world through foggy lenses.
My parents then put me into a school for kids with autism. I didn't even stay there for a full year, but I felt it left a lasting impression on how I see myself. Having to go to a 'special' school made me feel different and isolated. I felt like there was something terribly wrong with me and that I wasn't normal.
After that, I repeated my grade one year in a small public school. This is where I started making some progress. I started to speak out loud to the teachers, where I usually didn't speak to the teachers or would only whisper in their ear.
I only started making friends in grade 2, I didn't speak to any of the children, only to the teachers. I interacted with them with nodding my head, hand signals or writing notes. I slowly started to gain confidence and realised that the more confident I was and the more I pretended that I wasn't bothered by mean kids, the more people started to like me and the less I was bullied.
High School and Boys
In high school everyone mostly just accepted that I didn't speak, it was expected of me. Boys liked me even though I didn't speak, but I never really had the confidence to accept their invitation to go on dates with them for fear of having awkward silences or not being able to order my food at restaurants. In gr 9 I got my first boyfriend and it was good, he accepted me like I was and never pressured me into speaking. I never spoke to him in the 6 months that we were together, but he told all his friends that I did. After we broke up I started dating my current boyfriend, we've been together for about 8 years now, and the only time I've ever said a word to him was the two times I managed to tell him "I love you". I feel very guilty about not talking to him, I feel like we are missing out on so much. He is the biggest reason why I want to get better.
Selective Mutism as an adult
Leaving school was stressful for me, I knew I had to start making a living. There were certain expectations on me, and everyone all of a sudden started to want to intervene and get me to start talking. I didn't know what the future would hold and I decided to take a gap year, just to let everything settle and get my mind clear. I wanted to be an illustrator, but my fears held me back from going to college or finding a job at an agency. I wanted to work from home where I didn't have to interact with people face to face.
It worked out for me, I started freelancing. I avoid phone calls or going to meetings. My work is basically all through email communication. If I was free of my SM and social anxiety, I know I would be much more successful in my career.
As an adult, I decided I didn't want to be on medication, I understand that this disorder is only in my mind, it's something I decided I was. If chose to have it, I can chose not to have it, all I have to do is change my thinking, change my habits and my actions will follow.
Over all I think I've made good progress, especially in the last year or two. I've started talking to strangers more, asking for help at the grocery store, running errands by myself. I don't think I would have made so much progress if someone was telling me to do these things.
The Road Ahead
I decided that enough is enough. I am in charge of myself and my happiness. Ultimately, no one else can overcome my SM, but me. I have to do the work, I have to do the research.
I'm going to heal myself without medication, without therapy, just me, healing myself from the inside out with meditation, positive self talk / affirmations, exercise and fuelling my body with nutrients.
Do you have Selective Mutism, social anxiety or have a child that suffers from it? I would love to hear your story. Follow me on my long road to overcoming this. Let's do this together!
